Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

So there's this boy, and he's a sweetheart and goes to church and listens to good music (so I can make him mixtapes and he'll actually appreciate them) and he's such a dork but I like him and I think he likes me and we met in such a not so conventional way, but I sure am glad we did.  That is all.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

The Soft Effects of a Nyquil Overdose

Thump thump thUmp thuMP tHUMP  THUMP
Right against my chest
Right out of my chest
T h u m p.  T h u m p.  T h u m p.
My hands are tingly
And my limbs as heavy
As my eyelids
thumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthump
I can’t tell what is reality
And what isn’t
All I know is
That I want to go to bed

R.R.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Just, holy shit.  I really did love you and you really did love me.  It's taken me about ten months (but who's counting...) to get that through my head, but you really did love me.  You loved my stupid quirks and my thighs and my lame jokes and all of my tangled hair.  You loved me.  You loved all of me and what we had together was so messed up but it was beautiful too.  It shouldn't have happened.  You and I were never meant to be together, but somehow it happened.  Looking back, I'm glad it did.  I'm glad I fell in love with you.  I'm glad you fell in love with me too.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Mental Health Day.

I woke up this morning around 5:20 with a killer headache, went downstairs to take some pills for it, and my Mom told me to stay home from school.  I went back to sleep and woke up again around 6:30 without a headache and in all honesty I could have gone to school.  Instead, I decided to take a mental health day since I've been feeling really down on myself lately.  So far it's been a nice morning.  I'm home alone, which is always wonderful, and I just finished doing yoga, so I feel great.  I plan to get a lot of writing for my book done, hopefully today will be a productive day.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Panic Attacks.

They've honestly been getting worse, and I don't have a reason why.  Yesterday in English class, I had one for no apparent reason at all.  Nothing triggered me.  Nothing bad happened.  I just all of a sudden felt my heart slamming against my rib cage and I couldn't breath.  My lungs decided to stop working and my body was literally shutting down.  My brain flooded with all the ugly thoughts I try to keep at bay.  The episode lasted about ten minutes.  I sat at my desk quietly and I remember counting the flecks on the linoleum tiles to try and calm down.

Monday, April 1, 2013

I decided to draw some cartoons

And then I made myself sad.


So I'm listening to the music from Ragtime and what I've gathered is that I really fucking hate this musical.

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Sweet Pea.

My mind can't move two inches without running into thoughts of you.  I find myself spending a lot of my time wondering if you're wondering about me.  Is that a paradox of some sort?  I wish I could tell you all of the things that have been swimming in my head for the last two months.  But instead I'm writing you a note that you're never going to read.

I suppose that the worst part of all of this is that I still don't know why.  Sure, I have ideas and have hypothesized many concepts on why you left, but I'm never going to hear a real reason come out of your mouth.  I wish it hadn't been so easy for you to leave and move on.  It's like I didn't mean anything to you.  Fuck that, I know I didn't mean anything to you.  I opened up, told you things I was too scared to tell anyone else, and then you left.  Thank you for showing me that it's best to not tell anyone anything.

During the senior speeches for musical, I sat there thinking about how I won't have one.  If I don't kill myself by then, anorexia will.  I sat there thinking how I was struggling with all of the horrible and ugly thoughts in my head when I was with you, but how I was trying so hard to be better.  For you.  I tried so hard, because you were so worth it to me.  I kept telling myself if someone like you could love me, maybe I could love myself too.  Maybe it was unfair of me to become so dependent on you.

I see you everywhere.  I don't go looking for you but you still somehow manage to be everywhere I am.  It makes me angry.  You won't even look me in the eyes.  I don't understand how two people who used to talk everyday can go two months without saying a single word to one another.

I have days where all I want is to tell you about all the insignificant events that happened in my life that day.  Where I only want to talk to you about this book I read, or this drawing I started sketching.  You were one of my best friends.  I miss being friends with you the most.

I found an old note I wrote you when were dating, but must have forgotten to give to you.  It had a bunch of our inside jokes written on it (do you remember them?  I'm sure you don't.) and I said all these sweet things to and about you.  It was disgusting and I wanted to punch past-me in the face.  I really did love you.

I might have given you back every physical reminder of our time together, but I'm stuck with all the memories.  I'm existing with the ghost of you following me around.

I don't remember what you smell like.  I can't recall what it felt like to have your hand in mine.  I don't know what your laugh sounds like anymore.  I can't remember how your hugs felt.  I can barely even remember the sound of your voice.  I'll soon forget the color of your eyes.  And you'll forget mine.

"The world pushes us without mercy and when some push back the world points and cries 'evil!'"

Holy shit okay this is from the Pokemon movie for fuckssake, no great philosopher said this, fucking Mewtwo did.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Here goes nothing.








Easter Eggs

Last minute Easter egg dyeing with the brother and sister today.  It was a nice time.  Painting eggs turned out to be a great form of escapism.