Sweet Pea.

My mind can't move two inches without running into thoughts of you.  I find myself spending a lot of my time wondering if you're wondering about me.  Is that a paradox of some sort?  I wish I could tell you all of the things that have been swimming in my head for the last two months.  But instead I'm writing you a note that you're never going to read.

I suppose that the worst part of all of this is that I still don't know why.  Sure, I have ideas and have hypothesized many concepts on why you left, but I'm never going to hear a real reason come out of your mouth.  I wish it hadn't been so easy for you to leave and move on.  It's like I didn't mean anything to you.  Fuck that, I know I didn't mean anything to you.  I opened up, told you things I was too scared to tell anyone else, and then you left.  Thank you for showing me that it's best to not tell anyone anything.

During the senior speeches for musical, I sat there thinking about how I won't have one.  If I don't kill myself by then, anorexia will.  I sat there thinking how I was struggling with all of the horrible and ugly thoughts in my head when I was with you, but how I was trying so hard to be better.  For you.  I tried so hard, because you were so worth it to me.  I kept telling myself if someone like you could love me, maybe I could love myself too.  Maybe it was unfair of me to become so dependent on you.

I see you everywhere.  I don't go looking for you but you still somehow manage to be everywhere I am.  It makes me angry.  You won't even look me in the eyes.  I don't understand how two people who used to talk everyday can go two months without saying a single word to one another.

I have days where all I want is to tell you about all the insignificant events that happened in my life that day.  Where I only want to talk to you about this book I read, or this drawing I started sketching.  You were one of my best friends.  I miss being friends with you the most.

I found an old note I wrote you when were dating, but must have forgotten to give to you.  It had a bunch of our inside jokes written on it (do you remember them?  I'm sure you don't.) and I said all these sweet things to and about you.  It was disgusting and I wanted to punch past-me in the face.  I really did love you.

I might have given you back every physical reminder of our time together, but I'm stuck with all the memories.  I'm existing with the ghost of you following me around.

I don't remember what you smell like.  I can't recall what it felt like to have your hand in mine.  I don't know what your laugh sounds like anymore.  I can't remember how your hugs felt.  I can barely even remember the sound of your voice.  I'll soon forget the color of your eyes.  And you'll forget mine.

Bottled Stars

I dreamed last night

That we were both tipsy

From champagne made from stars

You sloppily kissed my face

And told me the same lies

You’d say when you were sober

I fell asleep in your arms

But I woke up alone

And with a hangover

R.R.

" ...but not until I saw them put aside their differences did I see the true power they all share deep inside. I see now that the circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant. It is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are." -Mewtwo

I learned more about life from Mewtwo than I have from my last eleven years of public education.

"The world pushes us without mercy and when some push back the world points and cries 'evil!'"

Holy shit okay this is from the Pokemon movie for fuckssake, no great philosopher said this, fucking Mewtwo did.

Here goes nothing.

Clandestine Strife

All the lights are on

Burning bright

But I’m still in the dark

Who is going to find

Me?

How can I silence

The demons in my head

Without the bullet

Killing me too?

R.R.

Drugs

We Fell In Love In The Key of E Flat

Eighty Eight keys

Ebony on ivory

Just me, you

And a Steinway Grand

It was only the three of us in that room

You tried to play a song for me

We all knew you were no pianist

But me and the twisted melody laughed together, out of tune

We sat so close, noses touching

Stolen kisses & elbows brushing

That piano holds our secrets

Our whispered words and promises

But even the sustain pedal

Can only hold a note for so long

And like your broken sonatas

We had an expiration date

I see you now and want to ask

Do you remember us?  Do you remember that night?

When you held my hand

And it made me realize

It didn’t matter that we weren’t a perfect chord

You were mine and I was yours

But it was too late-

Our song had already faded fest.

Pine Trees

All leaves have dropped

Dead to the ground

Branches bared

Ready for new life that

Is promised to come in

Five months time

All leaves have dropped

Dead.  Except for mine

My needles are permanent

I cling to what is familiar

Too afraid to change

R.R.

Easter Eggs

Last minute Easter egg dyeing with the brother and sister today.  It was a nice time.  Painting eggs turned out to be a great form of escapism.

"She's a slut."

When people keep telling you that you are something, you tend to start to believe them.

Bedroom Eyes

            My eyelids flutter open slightly, and for only a second I am suspended in that time between being awake and being asleep.  Where you’re out of the world of dreaming, but still not part of the world of the conscious either.  In that second, I believe that you’re still in bed next to me.  Then it’s over.  I glance over to where you would be asleep, and all I find is empty sheets.  Pale, morning sunlight is dancing through the eyelet curtains that I’ve had for only God knows how long.  I stare at the patterns that are swirling on your side of the bed.  I remember watching them on your sleeping face when I woke up in the morning.  I was always awake before you.

            You’d always wrap yourself around me while you were sleeping.  You’d pull me in close and not let go.  Let me tell you; I have yet to experience anything nicer than waking up in your strong arms.  I’d often just lay there, tangled up in all of you.  I wouldn’t move or try to wake you.  I’d breathe in the smell of us; the mix of your Old Spice body wash and my kiwi shampoo.  As much as I loved you, I loved us even more.  I’d memorize the rhythm of your breathing.  You were always the one thing I could count on to be stable in the whirlwind of chaos that is my life.  Then you’d stir slightly, and I’d know you were waking up.  Your blue eyes would meet my brown, and we wouldn’t say anything.  Neither of us uttered a good morning, because it didn’t need to be said.  We both knew it was already a good morning.  We’d stay wrapped up in each other in bed, our cold feet rubbing together, and our smiles identical.  I remember it was waking up with you, when I was looking into your heavy lidded eyes, I realized that while I had never really liked blue eyes before, they were now my favorite color.