FUCK I WANT MY SWEATER BACK.

The Writing Process

1. Form idea in head right before you fall asleep
2. Only remember a fraction of it when you wake up
3. Write three pages
4. Realize it's complete shit
5. Delete all of it
6. Cry

The Soft Effects of a Nyquil Overdose

Thump thump thUmp thuMP tHUMP  THUMP

Right against my chest

Right out of my chest

T h u m p.  T h u m p.  T h u m p.

My hands are tingly

And my limbs as heavy

As my eyelids

thumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthump

I can’t tell what is reality

And what isn’t

All I know is

That I want to go to bed

R.R.

lol no who am I kidding I can't do this

oh my gosh, I might actually get this book done on time.

This reminded me of you.

Solitude and Loneliness

Solitude is reading your favorite book

Or walking through a park

Solitude is looking out of a train window

With your headphones on

But loneliness is when you realize

You have no one to tell about

The ending of that book

Or the birds you saw on that walk

Loneliness is when no one is sitting next to you

On that train

R.R.

Sophomore Year

Everyone is so concerned

How to do trigonometry

Or what ionic bonding is

But all I want to learn

Is how to not hate myself

Anymore

R.R.

Midwinter

I want to take all those tiny pills

But if I don’t wake up

I’ll kill everyone else

Too.

R.R.

The problem with taking sleeping pills during the day is that you then can't sleep at night.

Unisom

And I can feel my monster

Pulling me back down

I can hear his words telling me the brutal truths

That I’ve been trying to avoid

I’ve scarred up my hips

But this time it won’t be enough

My monster is telling me

To go through this time on

What I’ve been too scared to do

R.R.

A semicolon is used in a sentence that could have ended; but didn't.

Here is a list of people I'm attracted to

• Straight girls
• Boys who have girlfriends

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers - so many caring people in this world.”

-Mr. Rogers

Read this today and thought it was fantastic.

"Here’s a test:

I’m holding a baby in one hand and a petri dish holding a fetus in the other.

I’m going to drop one. You chose which.

If you really truly believe a fetus is the same thing as a baby, it should be impossible for you to decide. You should have to flip a coin, that’s how impossible the decision should be.

Shot in the dark, you saved the baby.

Because you’re aware there’s a difference.

Now admit it"

Summer of Like.

"Baby you were my picket fence
I miss missing you now and then
Chlorine kissed summer skin
I miss missing you now and then"

Just, holy shit.  I really did love you and you really did love me.  It's taken me about ten months (but who's counting...) to get that through my head, but you really did love me.  You loved my stupid quirks and my thighs and my lame jokes and all of my tangled hair.  You loved me.  You loved all of me and what we had together was so messed up but it was beautiful too.  It shouldn't have happened.  You and I were never meant to be together, but somehow it happened.  Looking back, I'm glad it did.  I'm glad I fell in love with you.  I'm glad you fell in love with me too.

source ( x )

Mental Health Day.

I woke up this morning around 5:20 with a killer headache, went downstairs to take some pills for it, and my Mom told me to stay home from school.  I went back to sleep and woke up again around 6:30 without a headache and in all honesty I could have gone to school.  Instead, I decided to take a mental health day since I've been feeling really down on myself lately.  So far it's been a nice morning.  I'm home alone, which is always wonderful, and I just finished doing yoga, so I feel great.  I plan to get a lot of writing for my book done, hopefully today will be a productive day.

Over the last 16 years of my life all I can tell you is that every relationship begins and ends with stalking.

My anxieties have anxieties.

Panic Attacks.

They've honestly been getting worse, and I don't have a reason why.  Yesterday in English class, I had one for no apparent reason at all.  Nothing triggered me.  Nothing bad happened.  I just all of a sudden felt my heart slamming against my rib cage and I couldn't breath.  My lungs decided to stop working and my body was literally shutting down.  My brain flooded with all the ugly thoughts I try to keep at bay.  The episode lasted about ten minutes.  I sat at my desk quietly and I remember counting the flecks on the linoleum tiles to try and calm down.

I miss missing you now and then.

Swing Sets

Never had one in my yard when I was kid

But I’ve got one now

It can bring me to the highest highs

And drop me down to the lowest lows

I’ve got a swing set now

But it’s in my mind

R.R.

"You are what you love, not who loves you"

The new Fall Out Boy album getting leaked has literally made my month.

God bless those beautifully talented boys.

Third Floor Apartment

Remember when you held me so close

Whispered you loved me

And kissed me until sunrise

Remember when I had you laughing

At the dumbest jokes

And captured your smile with my own

Remember when I was your moon and stars

When your fingers laced with mine

And everything was right in our little world

Remember when you made all those beautiful promises

Spun me tales of our own happy endings

And I believed every syllable

Remember when I thought

That me and you would always be a we

And you thought so too?

R.R.

These are a few of my favorite things

All I really wanted for my birthday was a stupid text from you, letting me know that you didn't forget, to be honest.

Happy Birthday

Wax from the candles drips on my cake

I blow them out and wish silently

That this will be the last time

I have to do this

They all clapped unaware

That I’ll always be sweet sixteen

R.R.

mewtwo is trending on twitter, nothing else even matters

this is a good thing.

All caught up!

Well, I'm all caught up in publishing my old poems on here.  Now any that are published on here will have been written in the present, not the past.

Sixth Cup of Coffee

I had you memorized

Like the favorite verse

Of my once favorite poem

I had you memorized

I once knew every contour of your body

Every angle of your face

I had you memorized

I was fluent in your quirks

You used to be my favorite verse

R.R.

Don't Forget

I grabbed your hand first

But you were the first

To say that you were in love

I might have kissed you first

But you were the first

To walk away

R.R.

Sunshine, You Were My Only Sunshine

My skies a grey

R.R.

Thinsignificant

I don’t have friends anymore

My hair is brittle

Just like my nails

I cringe when I look in mirrors

I can’t stand putting on my jeans

I don’t know when I’ll be satisfied

My eyes are dead and dull

My laugh is forced and faltering

I’m empty as this bottle of pills

But it’s all insignificant

R.R.

2/20/13

I want to run so far away

Run away from everything

I want the wind to take me

Somewhere far away from here

I want to go where no one knows me

I want to be as invisible as I feel

Please get me out of this town

Please get me out of this mind

Please get me out of this body

I want to run away

And I don’t want a single person
To chase after me

R.R.

Valentine's Day

Lined white paper

I carried it around in my pocket

All day

Just in case you wanted to talk to me

I kept checking to make sure it was there

Just in case you decided to smile at me today

She's got a flower

Just as pretty as her

I watched you chase after her

Like you always wanted to

I watched her smile at you

Like I used to

Crumpled white lined paper

Song lyrics that reminded me of you scribbled on it

I take it out of my pocket

And shove it in a desk drawer

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with it now

R.R.

Sapphic

She smells like winter and stale cigarettes

She’s got this smile that makes me melt

I could so easily tangle myself up in her hair

I want to hold her hand every second of every day

I’m slow dancing with some boy

He’s got his hands on my waist

My head is on his shoulder

The entire time I’m watching her dance

He has real pretty blue eyes

Any girl would be lucky to have him

But not me

I don’t want him

I only want her

R.R.

Static Noise

I would love to have you scream

I would love for you to scold me

Tell me all I’ve done wrong

I want to see anger fill your eyes

I want you to spit in my face

Tell me that it’s all my fault

I need you to say something

I need you to say anything

Tell me how horrible I am

I don’t care

Anything and everything

Would be better than this silence

R.R.

Oh, Wow

Wide eyes

Amazed by the smallest things

What I’d give to be wonderstruck

By the simplest things

What I’d give to not have this constant racket
Inside of my brain

R.R.

Nature

Take a cue from nature

Pick daffodils

Sing with the birds

Dance in empty fields

Run in the rain

Listen to the crickets at night

Tune out all of the material possessions

That humans have composed themselves of

And you’ll hear what happiness is

You’ll see the majesty in creation

R.R.

Distaste

You tell lame jokes

Your teeth are crooked

You need a haircut

You have an ugly laugh

You’re clinically insane

You don’t have friends

You like to stay inside all day

You have no confidence

You’re incredibly irritating

I don’t like me

That’s what makes it so easy

To understand

Why you don’t either

R.R.

Just Friends

I don’t smile anymore

So don’t you tell me

That we can just be friends

R.R.

Depression Can Be Romantic In a Certain Sense

My world isn’t black and white

It’s all just gray

Fifty shades of it

See, I might be depressed

But I can still make jokes

You can still smile when you’re hurting

You can still laugh when you’re empty

I’m swimming in this ocean of gray

Colorless as an old film

The only Technicolor in my life

Is the crimson splash

On porcelain

R.R.

Everyday

I can’t keep this up

I can’t keep this up

I can’t

I’m can’t do this, I’m f

                                      a

                                            l
                                           l
                                              i
                                                   n
                                                      g
                                                             Apart, ripping at the seams

                                                             You were the stitches holding together my scars
                                                             But I’m coming apart
                                                             And my sutures are nowhere to be found
R.R.

Scott, Again

I’m sorry I couldn’t be

A better me for you

I’m still a frazzled mess

I understand why you left

I’m even worse these days

I’m just as neurotic, if not more

I’m sorry I couldn’t be

A better me for you

My best wasn’t good enough

Not enough to make you stay

I’m sorry

R.R.

I'm Just Kind of Putting Words on Paper

I’m not a poet

My words have no rhythm-

They have no flow

My verses aren’t a cadence-

There isn’t any meter

I can’t rhyme

My metaphors are stupid-

My similes are lame

There’s isn’t any pattern-

I don’t have a formula

I’m constantly stumbling over words

Trying to make them sound okay

They never do

I can’t write poems

I am no poet

R.R.

Ana

She’s such a pretty girl

Tall and thin, long blonde hair

I’m so lucky to be her friend

Ana is a real beauty

She’s got real big blue eyes

And nice long legs

I wish I could look like Ana

Ana is so pretty

But I rarely see her smile

I’ve been spending more time with her

She says I can be just as beautiful as her

I hope she’s right

Ana is my best friend

I can’t borrow her clothes yet though

They’re too small for me

But she promised they’ll fit soon

I hope she’s right

I want to look just like Ana

R.R.

Empty Field

Blanket of cold snow

You walked in front of me

So I could walk in your footprints

You’re gone now

Whose footprints am I going to follow?

R.R.

Deeper Down

My joints are swollen and red

Arthritis has manifested my hands and wrists

I can barely hold a pen

I’m in so much pain

The lightest touch makes me scream

I’m so sensitive to everything

Even the light hurts my delicate body

I’m hurting more and more each day

My stomach is churning

Full of nausea and acid

I can’t keep any food down

I’m wasting away

But none of this is as bad as

The hole you left in my heart

As much as my own body kills me

It doesn’t compare to how much you do 

R.R.

Word of Honor

One day I’ll be okay

I’ll be able to see you

And not feel like my insides

Are going to become outsides

One day I’ll be able

To smile a genuine smile

I’ll be able to talk about you

And not stain my face with tears

One day I’ll do all the things

I’ve lost the ability to do

Since you vacated out of my life

But today is not that day

R.R.

First Day

Today was the first day

Where I didn’t talk to you

Not a single word uttered

I don’t think we even

Exchanged glances

There are so many things

I wanted to say to you

But I didn’t know how

I don’t know if you’d even care

R.R.

I've come across all the poems from when me and Scott broke up ha haha ha ha ha ha ha ha haha ha hahahaha

Just Give Me Some Time

Tick tick tick

Seconds on minutes on hours on days

How long am I supposed to wait?

What am I?

A porcelain doll that you can keep

Tucked away in your closet

Until you decide you want to play with me again?

You can’t just throw me away

Tock tock tock

R.R.

I Thought You Knew

I thought you knew what

You were getting yourself into

Thought you were okay with it

You knew I wasn’t completely okay

I thought you knew

All of these things

Maybe you did

Maybe that’s why you left

R.R.

Skinny Legs

She’s everything I want to be

Everything that I’m not

She’s so funny

I always see you laughing at her jokes

She’s so pretty too

I can understand why you like her

Who wouldn’t like her?

She’s so beautiful

She’s not broken, she’s not damaged goods

She’ll treat you right

She’s not miserable all the time

She’s so perfect

R.R.

Silver Ribbon

All these love poems I wrote about you

Are making me sick

Looking back

It’s really quite comical

I’m laughing

Laughing like a mad man

I can’t believe
That I believed

That you were different

I’ll forget the sound of your laugh

I won’t be able to recall what shade

Of blue your eyes are

All I’ll have are those silly

Love poems

That I wrote about you

I’m going to look back at them

And laugh and laugh and laugh

R.R.

I Just Don't Feel the Same Way

26 days ago you said you loved me

What changed in those 26 days?

What did I do wrong?

Tell me how I can improve.

If you can fall out of love with me in 26 days

Can you fall back in love with me in another 26?

R.R.

1/29/13

I felt so safe in your arms

I could open up to you so easily

Didn’t you realize?

Broken people don’t do that
With just anyone.

You got to explore

Some of the darkest corners

Of my mind

But just like everyone else

You left

I’m sorry

I’m sorry

I’m sorry

What can I do to make you stay?

R.R.

Terminal

It’s getting worse

They’re poking me with needles

It doesn’t help me one bit

All I’ve been smelling is sterile

This hospital is spick and span clean

But that doesn’t help me one bit

My wrists hurt me now too

Take this pill!  Doctors encourage

They don’t help me one bit

R.R.

May-December Romance

Certainly didn’t plan for this

Never thought I would get
Tangled up in the vines of

Lies lies lies lies lies lies lies

Never thought I would be

One of those girls

Guess plans change, huh?

Did you plan on this?

I don’t think you did.  Who does?

I’ve been spending January

Miss miss missing you

Maybe we’ll pick up where

We left off

This summertime around

Maybe I’ll make the same

Mistake again.

R.R.

Scott

I’m sorry I can’t be

A better me for you

I am a frazzled mess

Why’d you pick me?

I’ll always be like this

I’ll always be neurotic

I’m sorry I can’t be

A better me for you

But I hope that my best

Will be good enough

For you.

R.R.

Illness

I  get  to  stay  in  bed  all day

You say it’s nice,   surrounded

By warm blankets and pillows

Everyone says they need more

Sleep.   I’ve got sleep to spare

Days on end, in my dark room

All by myself,        no sunlight

To wash over my pale skin, no

Warm spring breeze in my hair

You  say  you  want to stay in

Bed all day.      You wouldn’t

Want   to   if   you   were  me.

R.R.

Afternoon Nap

Tangled up in each other

Noses millimeters apart

My bare feet cozied up against yours

You fell asleep before me

You look so peaceful; I can’t wake you now

What a wonderful thing it is

To have your slow breath be the last thing I hear

Before I drift off into my own slumber

I love sleeping with you

In the most innocent sense

R.R.

Dizzy

Please don’t ignore me

I need you to know

You are my last hope

Please don’t ignore me

I’m coming apart

You’re the solution

You make things alright

I’m coming apart

I am so alone

Please answer my calls

I want to end this

I am so alone

I cannot think straight

My thoughts are a blur

Ringing in my ears

I cannot think straight

You’ve brushed off my plea

All I ask of you

Please remember me

You’ve brushed off my plea

I will miss you most

You said you’d save me

You didn’t come, but

I will miss you most

R.R.

Sunday Best

I’ll put on my pearls

You’ll put on your tie

Off to church we go

Maybe we’ll get brunch

I like the future

But only a future

That’s with you

R.R.